Jun
25
…the Crunchy Ones with Oatmeal
Filed Under Humour
Despite what you may think, I’m not an angry person.
I’m a sad person…
I’m a broken person…
You may even call me the empty husk of my former self…
You may see a Jabba-the-Hutt impersonator…
Perhaps I’m…
Marinated in bitterness …
Skewered on my own shattered dreams….
Grilled to miserable perfection over the burning embers of wasted time and lost hope…
Hot Tip: when grilling your own cheesy metaphors, add a little Hickory to the fire….it makes the self-loathing taste oh sooooo YUMMY!
(I made Pork Satay Skewers on the BBQ today. They were DELICIOUS!)
You may look at me and see nothing but boobs, hair and misdirected sexual frustrations….
(By the way…I’d appreciate it if you’d stop looking at me like that)
You can look at me and think all sorts of things…I won’t stop you.
But you can’t really call me “angry”…
I don’t lose my temper very often.
But stay with me here….
I had Bell Canada connect a landline for the new apartment.
If you are from outside of Canada, Bell is a bloated National Monument to Idiocy and the purveyor of both telecommunications services and injustice.
Jun
21
Wishful Thinking…
Filed Under Humour
I haven’t written a funny word in two months.
If you’ve missed me…
Well – God Bless you….
Just for you, let me share a line I had last night…(which I will definately parlay into an entire humour piece when my sense of humour returns)
I’m talking to a16 year old girl with a newborn, and a gaggle of her teenybopper friends…
I was holding the baby and I said…
“Tell your Mommy that wishful thinking is not a legitimate form of birth control”
There….see….that’s funny right?
The baby TOTALLY got it….
I could tell because he burped and spit up on me…and in some cultures, that’s high praise.
I had a boyfriend like that once….
He was from Geraldton.
May
31
So, in keeping with my current level of angst and distraction, I am not writing any humour…too busy (really funny, I accidentally typed “too busty” here)
I want to keep amusing you and posting new things so…here is Terry Fator on America’s Got Talent.
I told Terry recently, “I’m in love with Winston the Turtle…is that weird?”
He said he’d give Winston my number but the turtle never called me…
May
28
The Bestest Ever….tv show pitch
Filed Under Humour
May
15
From the Case Files of The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Words…
Filed Under Humour, Work in Progress, Brad Pattison
______________________________________
There’s a million stories in the Naked City, and most of them were written with words.
That’s right, words - those tidy little packages of sound and air that give our lives context and meaning…the hard and soft tones we rely on every day to share our dreams, order lunch and emotionally cripple our children.
Where would we be without language?
The sexy swoop of an “S”….the quiet strength of the “M”…that cocky, devil-may-care slant of the capital “A”…
I love this language.
I can simultaneously conjugate a verb and dangle a participle, blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back.
Mine was not a family of “Letters”.
We were a family of “Words”.
I’ve dedicated my life to protecting words; like my father before me and his father too.
Being a Grammar Cop has never been more critical.
It’s never been so risky.
Every time I strap on my punctuation proof vest, and venture out into the world, I know it may be the last time.
But that’s my job….I’m an Editor.
These are the risks I take to protect the words.
May
13
My new-found fear of talking to people can be a real hindrance…But, sometimes it’s a genuine blessing. I have tried to keep my “mouth shut and my head down” while living at the Shelter.
There’s a few reasons…but mostly it’s because I feel vulnerable.
It would be really easy right now to find a hole, crawl inside and stay there until I die.
I know that sounds weak and terrible, but one of the only things I have to offer you is my blatant honesty.
I don’t socialize with the people here because I think I would begin to identify with them.
I might wake up one day, look around and think that these are my peers and that this is all I have to look forward to. I’d begin to believe I belong.
I’d live out my days in a lawnchair beside the freeway, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can and smoking homemade cigarettes made out of Drum Tobacco and those rolling papers with the pirate head on the package.
My fingers would turn yellow and my bed would be warmed by a succession of roughly bearded, paunchy lotharios…who seduce me with their hard-bitten wisdom, cheap whiskey and empty promises.
May
13
I Love the Smell of Satire in the Morning
Filed Under Humour
I always feel guilty when I see how many people have visited the site while I haven’t posted anything new. I just want everyone to know that I am finishing up a satirical piece…and it will be up later…hopefully today but, probably not.
Don’t rush me, it’ll need a couple of drafts…
Cheers,
J.
May
11
Picasso’s The Rest
Have you dreamt of fame, fortune, love and enlightenment?
Have you - in those quiet moments….inside your mind…when you are just drifting off to sleep…imagined that everything was different somehow…brighter, sweeter, more joyful?
Well have I got an opportunity for YOU!
Follow the instructions below and I promise that all this and more will be yours….(*some conditions apply*)
I want you to “Kick Me”
I have a favour to ask you….but it’s a fun one.
If any of you have read my book, or used it to prop open a window even…
Could you go to Amazon USA http://www.amazon.com/DUMBASS-Outrageous-Quotes-Worlds-Powerful/dp/0978164601?SubscriptionId=0TBPMRS0W3G0CB5F0902&tag=afncaie-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0978164601
and write a review? It can be good or bad…I’m looking for sentences that say stuff like “Jules Carlysle is….”
If it’s bad make it HILARIOUSLY bad and I’ll use it on the jacket flaps of my next book along with your name…I hate losing stars on Amazon but, I will screen shot the reviews to show they are actual quotes….Actually, you could give me good stars if you want to and just add a really biting remark because it will be excerpted into a single line or few words like they do with movie reviews…
May
7
George Clooney & Brad Pitt’s Ass Pillaged by Marauding Hordes…left feeling dirty and used
Filed Under Humour, Weird Weird Weird, Hollywood News
Madam Taussaud’s Wax Museum is a little slow on the uptake. To promte the release of Ocean’s 13 on DVD, she (I know the actually “she” has died…don’t get all anal about it) moved the wax statues of George and Brad to a display where the fans were all too real and could gain access to the eerily lifelike effigies. Brad Pitt’s bum was destroyed by excessive pinching and George Clooney’s cheeks were covered with lipstick.
The fans left satisfied but sadly, the wax celebrities learned the hard way that neither fame nor beauty can make them respect you in the morning….*sniff*
Ladies listen up….
You do us all a great disservice behaving this way. Do you think men are in the north wing feeling up wax statues of Jenna Jameson or Pamela Anderson?….NO! They are not….They buy her vagina replicated in latex and keep it under their pillow and have secret, secret sex with it like normal people. (I don’t know from ‘wings’ at the museum, never been)
If you continue to carry on like idiots…weeping with outstretched arms behind the rope line outside of their hotels, sending them love poems written in blood and sexually assaulting their wax statues….It’s embarrassing for women everywhere and a little scary for the stars.
May
7
Sex and Death on the Weekend Part 2 - Is that a mackerel in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Filed Under Quelle Suprise...
In what is apparently destined to become a never-ending quest to finish writing
the sex scene for Craig’s novel, (my clever codename for this Craigslist gig…) I have spent the best part of the last 20 hours conducting research that can only be considered INSPIRED.
Craig graciously provided the bones (pardon my French) for the scene. It’s up to me to simply make it good.
I have a question….What kind of writer can write a whole novel but must entrust two of the most critical scenes to someone he hired on Craigslist? It seemed like a good idea for $1/word…but now I think the job is weird and nothing I learned today has changed my mind.
First, I went to an erotic literature website and tried to discern what makes a story sexy versus silly. I’m sorry but, my research was inconclusive. The jury is still out.
I was, however, struck by how many people are “messaging her breasts” …he’s “messaging this”….she’s “messaging that”.
May
7
Update on My “Knockers”
Filed Under Weird Weird Weird
So sorry to bring up my breasts again…
Did I happen to mention that I now have the firm juicy breasts of young poultry?
Oh I did?
OK….
Well if you missed it, I recently posted about my fantastic new set of old boobs…or old set of new boobs…
Whatever is the better of those two things…in a post called Can We Talk About My Knockers?
I also humorously discussed how to lubricate your engine by rubbing oil on the hood and how to absorb knowledge by rubbing books on your head…It was all good.
True Story, I just had a bath an hour ago and I saw myself in the mirror and said…I shit-you-not…”Holy Crap those are some great tits…”
I’m not kidding about how well this whole thing has worked for me.
Here’s the thing:
All of the products I used to obtain these awesome results have been DISCONTINUED!
The Olay Firming Mask, that was $50 and I purchased for $8…was being sold for $32.99 at Shoppers on the Clearance Cart…
Now the new one is on the regular shelf at $32.99
May
6
Have a Sense of Flumour!
Filed Under Humour
May
6
The Scale of One to George…
Filed Under Humour
Ahhhhhh….yes…George Clooney. The gold standard. I judge all men on a sliding scale of one to George.
I wouldn’t “do” the guy if he was offering all of the eyeglasses in the world. But, I do admire him. I will reference him occasionally — not because I have a crush on him…But because he is such a cultural icon that what he represents is instantly identifiable….and almost universally agreed upon by women. Nice work if you can get it!
Today, in honour of his birthday, I am posting links to some previous George Clooney posts for your amusement.
George Clooney & Brad Pitt’s Ass Pillaged By Maurading Hordes…left feeling dirty and used
Sometimes Good Things Happen to Bad People
Single Woman Dreams About Clooney….Quelle Suprise
Whatever Happened to…
Woo Hoo - I’m Pretty!
May
6
Refrigerator Blindness…Picking on Pattison…Ms. Heinz and the Last Stand
Filed Under Humour, Brad Pattison
Pic is Spanish Artist Didier Lourenco…no significance I just hate not having pics in posts
____________________
Brad,
This is “tough love”.
I’m brutally honest.
I edit books and train authors…
______________________
Are you familiar with a condition known as “Refrigerator Blindness”?
It’s a common affliction, suffered by chefs, housewives and ordinary “Joes” alike.
It can strike when you least expect it. It’s not lethal but you may be subject to mild intermittent bouts of mocking.
If you have ever searched the fridge for ketchup…and once convinced that there is absolutely no ketchup in the fridge, someone else came along and spotted the offending condiment immediately….
Then you have suffered from a case of Refrigerator Blindness.
I used to have the same problem with my car…(until I stopped parking in the lettuce crisper)
An editor is the person who comes along and spots your writing ketchup.
Everybody needs one.
It’s impossible to see all the ketchup in your own work…
It requires fresh eyes.
Call me Ms. Heinz….
___________________________
May
3
A Few Words About Words…
Filed Under Random Acts of Truth
It was the best of times and it was the worst of times…
The quality of mercy does “falleth like a gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath”
You should call me Ishmael…
I LOVE WORDS.
Forget carbon….words are the building blocks of life.
I see words the way others see music.
There’s rhythm and melody….measures and breath…
All those little sounds and syllables that we take so much for granted.
A “p” that pops off the lips in a tiny puff of air…
Or the low growl of a hard “g”…
From that first “dadadada”….
We can spend a lifetime searching for them….striving for them….and forgetting the power they posess.
Forget what your Momma told you,
There are no “magic” words…
Like magic itself, they are science and math, art and bullshit.
It’s the flourish and style that really counts.
Words can be the crude implements that get the job done…the kazoo and washtub bass in society’s little jugband, or in the hands of a true virtuoso…..words can be a symphony that lifts and soars.
Apr
30
Can We Talk….about my knockers?
Filed Under Humour, Work in Progress
Here ye! Here ye!
Friends…Romans…Countrymen…
Lend me your…..uhhhhh….. ears…
I’d like to preface this piece by stating that I have NEVER used the term “Knockers” in my entire life….Until today:
Today, we here at CanadaWry have news that is so phenomenal…..so bright, so shiny and so brilliant….
that it may impact the very LIVES of both breast owners and breast-enthusiasts forever….
You see,
Since I was starting a new fitness regimen and
Knowing that I was going to be losing weight…
And
Knowing that I need to look good naked for the Naked Philosopher book cover…
And looking ahead to any other special “naked” milestones that I may find myself looking to achieve in the near future…like skinny-dipping… moose hunting….or macrame…
And having once been told that my skin has “really shitty” elasticity by a plastic surgeon…
True Story: I went to see this plastic surgeon, booked the surgery….and 3 days before my surgery appointment, I saw him on the news, being chased by a reporter…in one of those “Consumer Alert Stories”…I mean literally CHASED…he was running through a parkade….camera shaking…..reporter yelling….apparently he was facing several lawsuits over botched surgeries ….Obviously, I cancelled the appointment.
Apr
28
Jabba Jules
Filed Under Brad Pattison, Quelle Suprise...
Despite my best efforts, someone managed to snap a pic of me
during a break at the Brad Pattison seminar in Toronto last Saturday….
Now you know why I felt so sexy all day!
Apr
27
Come on you guys….you write to me, encourage me….
I actually need help here…
I’m fucking this all up.
The math diet worked beautifully but could not be maintained….the caloric intake couldn’t support the rigor of my workouts…
Last week, I came close to copping out all together….
I’ve been craving salad and for about 10 days had a single side ceasar and small milk everyday as my only meal…
I know that’s bad…it’s like 400 calories per day total…which puts me back where I started dietically….
So, I made two prepared foods that I could keep in the fridge - that were also cheap as I only had about 22 dollars in my food budget last week.
I made a cold tuna salad…with pasta, small amt mayo, red pepper, celery and lots of pepper…and a hot pasta, spicy sausage and grilled green peppers in a sweet basil marinara on penne….
Yes, pasta in both….because it’s dirt cheap and goes far….that 99 cent bag will feed me for a week.
I feel like absolute crap and like I can’t go to the gym…
Apr
27
Photo of the Northern Lights…makes me think of natural magic…
This recent discovery in meditation has changed my life.
I kid you not.
I’m ECSTATIC!
Let’s take it from the top…
A year ago, a phenomenal number of very bad things happened in a very short time.
I don’t want to get detailed in the bad stuff….
But, the punchline is that I am completely alone, living in the Shelter, and despite all my best efforts….bad stuff keeps happening.
I realized, about two weeks ago, as I was waking up and writing these horrible depressed posts that I would post and remove immediately….That these aren’t mine. These aren’t my feelings…
I’m falling under the influence of my environment….low frequency, sad, dark, painful environment…
I’m good at manifesting intentions at attracting what I ask for…..my dreams often come true.
Problem is, in this environment, I am manifesting all the bad things….violence, fear, failure, lonliness….lack of all things and in all ways…
So, I started consciously meditating to raise my personal vibration above my environmental one….
Life has changed in stunning ways immediately…
Apr
26
This will be re-written as a humour piece shortly…I needed to get down the real-live actual mortified thoughts and get back to rolling my hair before it dries…I am going Downtown tomorrow afterall….Is it harsh and yucky? YES! Humour is based on real stuff…I feel disgusting right now…..that will wear off…but I need the actual material recorded…..back soon.
.
Sexy Shoes or No Sexy Shoes…
I just saw a pic of me taken at the seminar yesterday and I’m literally mortified.
I look like my face was regurgitated by my neck.
I looked like Jabba the Hutt….
I look so bad….so fat….so homely….I think I should have a bag surgically installed over my head.
But, I felt pretty yesterday….I mean…when I was not falling apart cerebrally…I felt truly sexy….
until I saw the pic.
I shouldn’t have worn the jeans they are 7 sizes too large…exactly.
So, because they fall down and the pockets are too far apart, I wore a long sweater….which concealed my middle, which is surprisingly flat….
I’m sitting here, in front of the TV, on the bed, and the best part of the wall across from me is a mirror.
keep looking »